Blah Blah Flowers

I'm not sure if I've invented a meme or rediscovered an old one, but pop music in the style of those old text-driven adventure games. Ok Go!

Common People by Pulp.

>LEAVE GREECE

She came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge

>GET PLANE TO HEATHROW
>GET TRAIN TO LONDON
>GET TUBE TO HOLBORN
>EXIT TUBE STATION
>N
>ENTER Central Saint Martins College of Art and Design
>ENROL ON SCULPTURE COURSE

She studied sculpture at Saint Martin's College

>LOOK
>EXAMINE TALL AND POOR LOOKING MAN

That's where I caught her eye

>SAY TO MAN "MY DAD HAS LOTS OF MONEY"

She told me that her Dad was loaded
I said "In that case I'll have rum and coca-cola

>SAY TO MAN "FINE"

She said "fine"

>WAIT
>WAIT
>WAIT

And then in 30 seconds time she said

>BEGIN CLASS TOURISM

"I want to live like common people
I want to do whatever common people do
I want to sleep with common people
I want to sleep with common people like you"

>WAIT

Well what else could I do?
I said "I'll see what I can do"

>LEAVE Central Saint Martins College of Art and Design
>S
>ENTER Sainsburys

I took her to a supermarket

>SAY TO MAN "WHY ARE WE HERE?"

I don't know why
but I had to start it somewhere
so it started there
I said "pretend you've got no money"

>LAUGH

but she just laughed

>SAY TO MAN "Oh YOU'RE SO FUNNY"

and said "oh you're so funny"
I said "Yeah
Well I can't see anyone else smiling in here
Are you sure
you want to live like common people
you want to see whatever common people see
you want to sleep with common people
you want to sleep with common people like me?"

>SAY TO MAN "PARDON?"

But she didn't understand

>SMILE
>GET HIS HAND

she just smiled and held my hand

>BUY A COPY OF LOOT
>EXAMINE LOOT
>ARRANGE VIEWING OF PROPERTIES ABOVE SHOPS WITH LOW WEEKLY RENT
>ARRANGE TENANCY CONTRACT FOR PROPERTY

Rent a flat above a shop

>VISIT HAIRDRESSERS
>HAVE HAIR CUT
>VISIT JOB CENTRE
>SIGN ON JOB SEEKERS ALLOWANCE

Cut your hair and get a job

>VISIT NEWSAGENTS
>BUY CIGARETTES
>SMOKE CIGARETTES
>VISIT POOL HALL
>PLAY POOL

Smoke some fags and play some pool

>DROP THE LETTER 'H' FROM SPEECH
>MIS-SPELL WRITTEN COMMUNICATIONS

Pretend you never went to school
But still you'll never get it right

>GO TO BED

'cos when you're laid in bed at night

>EXAMINE WALLS

watching roaches climb the wall

>CONSIDER PHONING FATHER

if you called your dad he could stop it all
yeah
You'll never live like common people
You'll never do whatever common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view
and then dance and drink and screw
because there's nothing else to do

>VISIT PUB IN A WORKING CLASS AREA
>SING

Sing along with the common people
Sing along and it might just get you through

>LAUGH

Laugh along with the common people
Laugh along although they're laughing at you

>DO SOMETHING STUPID

and the stupid things that you do

>THINK 'POOR IS COOL'

because you think that poor is cool
Like a dog lying in a corner
they will bite you and never warn you
Look out
they'll tear your insides out

>VISIT A&E DEPARTMENT
>ASK NURSE FOR TREATMENT FOR BITES
>ASK NURSE FOR RABIES SHOT

'cos everybody hates a tourist
especially one who thinks

>LAUGH AT A&E
>GO TO WORK
>LAUGH
>GO TO FLAT
>LAUGH
>GO TO POOL HALL
>LAUGH
>LEAVE HURRIEDLY

it's all such a laugh

>GO TO FLAT
>PREPARE BATH

yeah and the chip stains and grease

>WASH OFF CHIP STAINS
>WASH OFF GREASE

will come out in the bath

>UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO MEANING OR CONTROL AND WITH NOWHERE LEFT TO GO
(fail)
>UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO MEANING OR CONTROL AND WITH NOWHERE LEFT TO GO
(fail)
>UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO MEANING OR CONTROL AND WITH NOWHERE LEFT TO GO
(fail)
>UNDERSTAND HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO MEANING OR CONTROL AND WITH NOWHERE LEFT TO GO
(fail)

You will never understand
how it feels to live your life
with no meaning or control
and with nowhere left to go

>GIVE UP
>BE AMAZED AT HOW WONDERFUL THE WORKING CLASS PEOPLE ARE

You are amazed that they exist
and they burn so bright
whilst you can only wonder why

>BUY A COPY OF LOOT
>EXAMINE LOOT
>ARRANGE VIEWING OF DIFFERENT PROPERTIES ABOVE SHOPS WITH LOW WEEKLY RENT
>ARRANGE TENANCY CONTRACT FOR A NEW PROPERTY

Rent a flat above a shop

>VISIT HAIRDRESSERS
>HAVE ANOTHER HAIR CUT
>VISIT JOB CENTRE
>SIGN ON JOB SEEKERS
>LISTEN AS IT'S EXPLAINED THAT SIGNING ON TO JOB SEEKERS ALLOWANCE TWICE IS 'FRAUD'
>APOLOGISE

Cut your hair and get a job

>VISIT NEWSAGENTS
>BUY CIGARETTES
>SMOKE CIGARETTES
>VISIT POOL HALL
>PLAY POOL

Smoke some fags and play some pool

>DROP THE LETTER 'H' FROM SPEECH
>MIS-SPELL WRITTEN COMMUNICATIONS

Pretend you never went to school
But still you'll never get it right

>GO TO BED

'cos when you're laid in bed at night

>EXAMINE WALLS

watching roaches climb the wall

>CONSIDER PHONING FATHER

if you called your dad he could stop it all
yeah
You'll never live like common people
You'll never do whatever common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view
and then dance and drink and screw
'because there's nothing else to do
I want to live with common people like you.....

>STOP CLASS TOURISM

Labels: Britpop, humour, music, TextAdventurePopSongs

Oh Mr Deity I've missed you!

Labels: atheism, atheists, Christianity, Fundamentalists- Christian, humour, religion, YouTube

Hilarious.



They've also knocked up a website too, where they continue to play the game to the hilt.

Labels: Conservatives, humour, music, politics, United States, YouTube

Derailing for Dummies: A simple, step-by-step guide to derailing awkward conversations by dismissing and trivialising your opponent's perspective and experience.

[via Questioning Transphobia.]

Labels: arguing, humour, transgenderism, transphobia

Following on from here I've found, thanks to Skepchick, another mickeytaking video, presenting The Darwin Finches!


They've also linked to Slacktivist who has explained that when a Christian complains that two men marrying breaks his or her freedom you can just point out that Fred Phelps has not been arrested for his outrageous anti-humanity and so win the argument.

Labels: Fundamentalists- Christian, gay marriage, humour, skepticism, YouTube

Following on from what I said yesterday about 'swine flu' scares, xkcd has their take.

Labels: health, humour, media scares

Canadian Scientists from Canadia have discovered fossilised evidence of a prehistoric ancestor to the seals of today, an animal that walked on feet. [via Pharyngula] Big deal, we've seen these kind of animals for years now.

Labels: Evolution, humour, science, YouTube

We should remember that only two of them are intentionally amusing.

First there was:

Then there was:

Best yet:

[via Feministing.]

UPDATE: Heh, someone's snapped up that domain name: Giant Gay Repellent Umbrella.

Labels: Fundamentalists- Christian, gay marriage, humour, YouTube

From the Queer Flickr set. [via Coilhouse]

Labels: Flickr, gay, humour, Navy, posters

You may also like to read Towing Jehovah by James Morrow.

[via Pharyngula]

Labels: atheism, atheists, Christianity, God, humour, YouTube

While most American schools argue about whether pretty lies about Sky Daddies making the world should be taught in science lessons one school is aiming for the true path.

Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district's monthly meeting Tuesday.

"Fools!" said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. "We must prepare today's youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods—not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!"

As ever, he faces resistance from those with less vision than he.

"Charles sure likes to bang on that madness drum," fellow school board member Danielle Kolker said. "I'm not totally sold on his plan to let gibbering, half-formed creatures dripping with ichor feed off the flesh and fear of our students."

This man needs your support!

Labels: Creationism, Evolution, humour, school, United States

A threatened mass protest by an anti-gay US church failed to materialise when only one demonstrator turned up. Fred Phelps and his daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper from the Westboro Baptist Church were banned from entering the UK to protest against a play in Hampshire. They had urged a picket of Queen Mary's College in Basingstoke over the staging of The Laramie Project, a play about a man killed for being gay. But only one protester arrived and was heckled away by counter-demonstrators...

Westboro preacher Mrs Phelps-Roper had said the decision to ban her and her father from entering the UK would "bring great wrath upon your heads".

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

"We will picket them, and see if they actually believe those lies they tell about how tolerant and accepting Brits are."

Who exactly has been spreading these vicious lies about us being tolerant and accepting? When we find them we'll take away their ID Cards and pretend they are asylum seekers from Iraq.

Labels: Fundamentalists- Christian, gay, homophobia, humour, theatre

Sweary President Obama! [via Braised by Wolves]

Labels: American Presidency, Barack Obama, humour

Warren Ellis: King of the Internet.

Labels: humour, Warren Ellis

Labels: gay, homophobia, humour, lesbians

Also, LOLGRIFFIN. I was trying to argue last night, perhaps not entirely convincingly, that were the address of lefties to be accidentally released to the right-wing a certain amount of violence might be expected, when it's the other way round you get sarcastic YouTube and Googlemaps mashups instead.

Still, I found out the other day I live a couple of doors away from someone on that list and, surprisingly, there's only one BNP member in the village I grew up in. I reckon it's just fluff that's been released to try and cover the news that it's been proved that Hitler did, in fact, only have one ball. There is, alas, no news as yet as to whether a thorough search of the Albert Hall has turned up the other one. Considering his father, the dirty bugger, cut it off when he was small, I'm surprised this hasn't been used to divert attention from Haringey's dead babies problem.

Labels: BNP, humour, YouTube

American capitalists pray to false idol for the recession to end. Um, guys? You may want to knock that shit off before Iehova notices. He takes a dim view of that kind of thing and he has got Charlton Heston and several infinite cans of kick-ass at his disposal. [via just about everywhere]

(Separate note to any Evangelical Christians reading: Look! Look! This proves Capitalism is ungodly! Back to a barter system of twigs and berries quickly, before the Lord let's forth His wrath! Go hide and pray in the middle of America and NEVER BOTHER ANYONE EVER AGAIN! Don't waste time arguing, I think I can hear Daddy's Footsteps! Run for the hills!)

Labels: capitalism, Christianity, humour, religion

It turns out that God hates the UK. Who knew? Yes, Fred Phelps's tech-savy grandson has helped him create a definitive list of why God hates the UK and, wouldn't you know it, it's all about the bumming. What seems odd in all this is that God has been half-hearted in expressing his dislike of the United Kingdom's supposed relaxed attitude toward the gays, or perhaps he's been so angry that his punishments have actually travelled back in time to affect the UK before homosexuality was decriminalised.

If you want to find out why God hates your country (hint: It may have something to do with man-on-man action) check out http://www.godhatestheworld.com/">God Hates The World, although you might have to wait until Fred works out how to spell most of the countries.

Labels: Fundamentalists- Christian, gay, homophobia, humour, lesbian, lesbians, queer

If you want to be reassured that the Large Hadron Collider hasn't destroyed the world yet, even though it's not going to be used until next year, check the LHC webcams.

Labels: humour, science

Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute Ready to Start "Squirrel Smasher"

Dallas, TX – Scientists from the Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute (EARI) announced that the first test of the Giant Animal Smasher (GAS) will begin on December 19, 2008, the 41st anniversary of the premiere of Dr. Dolittle.

...Biologists from around the globe hope the GAS will unlock the secrets of the so-called "Darwin particle" that could unlock the secrets to life.

Labels: Evolution, humour