Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Nirpal Dhaliwal Watch Part Three

Part One, Part Two.

More from the new Doctor Ruth.
What's a girl to do?

And what does Nirpal think a girl should do?

Single, thirtysomething women, whose body clocks are ticking down,

'like my wife'

are presented with two bleak choices. You can get with some dorky wimp who looks like great dad material... and then live your life in semi-contented boredom... Or, you can waste your years waiting for the guy who hits all the buttons — sexual, intellectual, financial and emotional — before giving up entirely by the time your ovaries are clapped out. You’ll then become another of those creepy, IVF-assisted crones, struggling to bring up triplets who will outlive you after a couple of years.

Share and share alike. As so many guys are lame, emasculated washouts, the few tomcats that are left out there know exactly what they’re worth. It’s silly to expect them to be monogamous.

Yes, Nirpal's number one tip for success is to accept that your man will play around and don't make the mistake Nirpal's wife did of expecting his to exhibit a moment's guilt about it.

Sexy guys get so much tail waved in their faces these days it’s impossible for them to behave themselves. Rather than fighting each other over these boys, women should learn to share them around. The alternatives — spending your life with a total sap or having your heart broken because of absurd expectations — just aren’t worth it.

Women! Empower yourselves by arranging your time around a man, preferably who's written a book called 'Tourism' and who's name sounds like 'Irpal Aliwal'. The new freedom smells suspiciously like the old male wet-dream.

The new polygamy wouldn’t be the oppressive institution it was before. It would be a pragmatic solution to a real problem, enabling every woman to get a regular dose of great sex from a guy who flips her lid. Surely every true feminist appreciates the egalitarian justice of this.

Polyamorists everywhere, Nirpal is ON YOUR SIDE. Isn't that a relief?

Consummate the sisterly love. As most women are more of a man than any guy will ever be, it makes sense for you to seek happiness with each other. One of the few places left where a lady can feel like a real woman is in the burly arms of a bull dyke. The only people allowed to be guys these days are girls. Stubbly chinned, testosterone- injected drag kings are the only ones who will take you out and show you a good time, paying for everything while stroking your butt and whispering smut in your ear — just like in the good old days. Lesbianism is a far more dignified option than contemporary heterosexuality. Chicks who have sex with women have way more feminine integrity than those who date men who pretend to be women.

'... As long as you let me watch.' I mean, where do you start with drivel like this? Is there any point?

The final option is to get with the global economy. Like Liz Hurley and Jemima Khan, you can outsource your sexual and procreative needs to the developing world. There are millions of smart, handsome brothers out there itching to better themselves in the West. Your UK passport is your ticket to ride into Benetton heaven. This is especially great news for the fat, the dumb and the ugly: your comparative affluence and the lure of British residency means you can snare the kind of stud who wouldn’t look at you twice in this country.

Well, you can't say Nirpal's not wanting to give anything back to the old country. In this case it would be all the mingers, presumably so the gorgeous women who are left can concentrate on lezzing it up before having group sex with him.

Interracial sex is always pretty hot. You white girls will have a blast as you strenuously work through your fantasies, guilt and historical grudges in the bedroom. And he’ll be able to satisfy that abiding desire that no white man can fulfil: mixed- race babies. Gorgeous, brown-skinned dumplings who look adorable in Baby Gap. In a single, slick move of miscegenation, you will kill several birds at once: you’ll have cute kids, get back at your racist, uptight parents and prove that, unlike most white people, you are not a total square.

Buh? Gah?

In India, women dig roads in 40C heat with their babies strapped to their backs. In Africa, they have their labia stitched shut by their elders.

So, if you've been raped in a nightclub toilet, don't go complaining to the police. Be thankful you're living in the First World.

There's also the Nirpal Dhaliwal Divorce Liz Jones Now! petition online as well.

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