Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Colleagues have gathered to pay their respects this evening as MP David Cameron's political career came to a close this afternoon. Once tipped for the very top Cameron tonight faces political oblivion after being elected Conservative Party leader.

"Obviously we're shattered by this," Said Shadow Chancellor George Osborne, also Cameron's campaign chief and chum, "We only entered for a laugh, and to put David Davis' back up. But even after leaking to papers about the drugs, not answering any questions intended to prove we have policies, making it clear we'd bring William Hague into a Shadow Cabinet AND saying we'd support Tony Blair at his time of maximum weakness we still won! I think this just shows that the Tory Party still isn't serious about returning to Government."

The news corporations have breathed a beary sigh of relief. Said a spokesman for the BBC; "Ever since Michael Howard spited us all by announcing a deliberately long contest we've been forced to devote hours to analysing the various Tory hopefuls and then giving time on screen to have Davis and Cameron witter on as though either of them would ever seriously be asked to form a Government. If we had a nuclear bird flu epidemic tomorrow the country would rather put it's fate in the hands of a cockroach than those two. At least cockroaches have never broken their word on taxes. But thankfully, now this leadership election is over we can stop giving up valuable X-Factor time to this shower of arses and get back to what the BBC does best: Attacking Labour!"

No-one from The Sun was available for comment because we'd arrived during daylight hours and hadn't brought them any virgins to eat. Michael Howard was similarly unavailable for comment though reportedly because he was recovering from suffering internal haemoraging from 'laughing at Davis being stuffed'. Anne Widdicombe said nothing of any importance, much as she had done ever since 1997.


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