Wednesday, November 24, 2004

The horror, the horror...

Chris Martin:
It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid, At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade

Well, it's a Dad's perogative to do things that embaress and mortify their offspring, but does little Apple really need her Dad to have decided that was a good hairstyle AND taken part in BA20? He also seems to be doing a bit of a crazy man stare too, or maybe the night before the shoot he had to get up at 4:00 pm to do a nappy change.

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy, Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

Hows about we let the Countryside Alliance hunt Dido instead of foxes?

Robbie Williams:
But say a prayer, Pray for the other ones, At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

Mugging shamelessly for the camera of course, while lil' Thom Yorke plays the piano.

There's a world outside your window, And it's a world of dread and fear

Hang on, proper singing? That's surely not allowed?

Fran Healy:
Where the only water flowing

Well, that's sorted that out. Fran Healy is Midge Ure's illegitimate son. Discuss.

Fran Healy & Sugarbabes:
Is the bitter sting of tears

Fran Healy & Justin Hawkins:

Hang on, does Fran get to sing with everyone or something? I'm surprised he managed to stay in the booth, I thought he would have got squeezed out by Justin's ego.

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Which sounds SO six form poetry it's untrue. 'Clanging chimes of doom', Ure?

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

That was him going for a restrained delivery apparently. Meanwhile he's flapping his arms around like he's taking flight.

Awww, it's the Artful Dodger! Oops, my mistake, it's
Will Young
who's obviously sorted out what to do when you have 'Chris Martin hair',
& Jamelia:
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

Ms Dynamite & Beverly Knight:
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow

Group of ten & Joss Stone:
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Has anyone thought to ask? That would be terrible, to have gone to all this trouble and no-one thought to ask a bunch of starving Muslims if they are aware that a Christian-oriented event was a month away?

Tom Chaplin (Keane):

Presumerably because we've moved from the Britpop C-List onto the Z-List chancers and at this point no-one in the family knows who's on screen any more the BBC have decided to help out...

Here's to you

Justin Hawkins (Darkness): Raise a glass for everyone

Dizzee Rascal:
Spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived
If the table was turned would you survive

It's like when Madonna rapped, it just doesn't work in the song.

Here's to them

Poor old Busted, they don't even get a whole line to themselves, that's what you get for supporting the Tories you little bastards!

Justin Hawkins (Darkness):

One feels a stage direction has been ignored here...

Underneath that burning sun

Dizzee Rascal:
You ain't gotta feel guilt just selfless
Give a little help to the helpless

Joss Stone & Justin Hawkins:
Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

And here they slow things down for a few shots of everyone watching genuinely harrowing shots of starting African children, so the pop stars can put on their concerned and shocked faces. What might have been moving if all we saw was the footage becomes cheap and tawdry. I don't need one of the Sugababes on the verge of tears to tell me what to feel about the third world. Fuck you all.

Tom Chaplin:
Feed the world

Tom Chaplin & Chris Martin:
Feed the world

Tom Chaplin & Chris Martin & Sugababes:
Feed the world

Tom Chaplin & Chris Martin & Sugababes:
Feed the world

Everyone (in the big studio)
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmastime again - repeated

Again and fucking again.

Fran Healy:

Group of 10:
Feed the world

Everyone (in the big studio)
Feed the world - repeated to end

Joss Stone:
Ad Libs over outro

Which is a generous way of describing it. 'Gibbering like a loon' is a valid alternative. The problem is that almost everyone decides to throw all they have in to the closing seconds so half the singers are doing their own 'woooooohs', someone's rattling a cowbell, tamborines are being banged, it's a bit of a mess.

Band Aid 1 wasn't a great musical event either. But it had the advantage that it was nearly spontaneous. It was delightfully ramshackle, why else would Francis Rossi from Status Quo be seen on telly giving someone the finger AND in tweeds, as though he's just come from a Dido hunt? That was people just doing something. Band Aid 20 just seems... I don't know, planned? That's not the term I'm looking for, but it feels like everyone involved, who wasn't involved in the first one, thinks "this will help my career".

And the song is shit too. Always was.


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